forthewomenIlove

Hey I'm Gicela, And I don't want to be another person that tells you how to live your life, what you should do to change it or what is the quick fix to your happiness. I am a millennial, lucky enough to know what poverty, racism, sexism, trauma all feel like and what It has taken to reach a place of peace with a past that likes to tell me I'm worthless on my worst days and a fucking superhero on my best. I got tired of a life where I was always the victim because things were always happening to me, not for me. Where my happiness, success and joy depended on everyone else around me except me. I am not a psychologist, trained counsellor or any of that fancy backed by a big school degree in this area of life at all but to tell you the truth who really is an expert at life?!? After years of beating myself into the same walls, looking for solutions that were way out of reach (expensive therapy I could not afford) and getting cheap or free therapy from therapist that hated their jobs and helping… I decided to embark on a long journey… Jks. I gave up. I did what everyone else did, found someone who was half-decent, made me feel half-decent and looked past a lot of my shit. I think we all call it love, butterflies in your stomach and what is now known as trauma bonding. I made a baby with him and everything I thought my life would be…. Was a complete and utter BS lie I had built in my head (thanks telenovelas) It was in this deep shit of birthing this baby into the world as I saw my soul trauma love of my life relationship fall apart that I realized that I could not keep living these cycles of almost perfect happiness to come down like a crashing plane death of my soul. It was seeing my ex-partner's eyes change from love to hate that I realized that I had to take responsibility for my shit, it was in my daughter's eyes that I found all the strength to begin a journey deep into the darkest corners of my soul and come out the other side. I was 12 when I first remembered praying to God to help me get out of this crazy life… that I didn't want any of it. And he said hold on. And so I’ve held on past every disadvantage, every moment of pain, loss and complete failure. And so I’ve held on… Past being overlooked in school by teachers and peers, Past having to build a new life in a country where I didn’t speak the language, Past barely making it through a full day without trying to drink myself to sleep every night. I’ve held on... I’ve dedicated these past 4 years to discover ways to unbreak myself, to become successful and happy and what I’ve found is that what I actually wanted was none of that. What I’ve found to be more important than any of that was PEACE. Yes, peace of the mind, Peace in my heart, a shit ton of forgiveness. I’ve found that I was never broken but that I was taught to believe I was. I found that I do not want success unless it's on my terms, I discovered integrity to myself and to others, something that someone who is an empty shell of pain could not understand before. I am not a guru, a saviour, an influencer. I am Gicela, A human being who for some reason lived through a shit ton of pain in the first 29 years of my life. Pain that I wish on no one, but that has made me the human that I am today because I decided to become softer from it instead of harder because I’ve learned to break my own heart for my highest good because I’ve now got lesson, learnings, teachings from the years I’ve spend overcoming myself and a world that wanted to sell me on being broken. So if you Identify with any of this… This is for you this is for the women I Love.